Validation & The Justice Need (1)

Naming the Harm

One of the lingering pains of injustice is feeling like you’re paying the price of another person’s choices when they either don’t know or show care about the cost.

You’re left carrying the weight and emotionally repairing the damage while they move on, ostensibly unaffected, and potentially controlling a narrative that positions you as the problem and keeps their reputation intact. They may even misuse power—implicitly or otherwise—to keep you from speaking up, while acting like no harm occurred. This protects them from facing the vulnerability of self-examination and responsibility.

But it also gaslights you.

That’s why we need others to acknowledge the injustices we’ve suffered. That’s why a whole session is devoted to validation in Still Waters’ multi-week programs.

Hearing someone say they understand we’re hurt or upset is helpful, but naming feelings is only the first step. We’re built with an inherent need for justice, and we need people we trust to help us meet it. We need to hear statements like: the choices they made were hurtful. The way they treated you was not okay. I see what happened and what you’re carrying. You’re not alone in this.

Justice begins with recognition that harm occurred. It’s the emotional equivalent of having a witness confirm your experience in court. It addresses the moral injury as well as the emotional one.

Validation also affirms and stabilises a person’s experience and sense of reality, empowering them to respond with agency and clarity.

As professionals, we can be so neutral and safe in our interactions with those who have been genuinely mistreated—and vulnerably shared that with us—that we fail to name the unjust reality of their experience or to respond meaningfully at all. This can leave them feeling isolated and questioning whether they imagined or overstated the pain. They may wonder if they are the problem, or if what the other person did was acceptable to others. They may even regret mentioning it.

Unnamed injustice can deepen and silence trauma. And sadly, it can protect harmful behaviour.

That’s not to say we can’t also offer advice and perspective. These may immediately follow validation, but they shouldn’t precede it. Otherwise, others will be less likely to trust that we understand or care about their experience enough to offer something meaningful.

It’s true that recognition doesn’t, and sometimes can’t, equal recompense. We may not be able to make things right on a practical level; it may not even be appropriate for us to intervene or assume that responsibility. But we can name what happened, why it mattered, and stand with them in the aftermath.

There are many reasons why we hesitate to validate, which upcoming posts will explore. For now, it’s important to simply consider that, while validation requires courage, it’s where meaningful healing and connection truly begins.