Validation & The Justice Need (3)
The Trap of Invalidation
When you’re reeling from a genuine injustice and the harm it caused, the offhand comments or assumptions others make can feel invalidating. These may be along the lines of:
Why does this matter to you so much?
Is this still bothering you? I thought it was all over and done with ages ago.
You’re overreacting.
Invalidation may also appear in other minimising statements that contain words like ‘just’, ‘at least’, or ‘only’:
It was just a once off.
At least you still have …
It was only a misunderstanding.
It can show up in dismissive comments and clichés:
Everything happens for a reason.
Time heals all wounds.
Try to focus on the positives.
Invalidation can also focus on fixing a person and imply something’s wrong with them, and subtly make them responsible for the other person’s behaviour:
Have you tried just letting it go?
You just need to stand up for yourself.
I think you need counselling.
You shouldn’t have let them treat you like that.
Worst of all, it can justify and minimise the other person’s behaviour:
Maybe they were just having a bad day.
I bet they didn’t mean it that way.
They were probably doing their best.
I’ve never seen that side of them.
Ultimately, invalidation is any action that moves someone to justify or hide their hurt rather than feel supported in it. It leads to grief being deferred and delayed instead of healed.
There’s a range of reasons why we invalidate others. Perhaps we haven’t experienced what they have so we don’t really understand their experience, or what they’re upset about doesn’t seem reasonable or important to us. Perhaps we’re worried about unintentionally supporting them to camp in self-pity and never move on. Or, as we touched on previously, maybe it’s to do with our comfort. That is, we may not really want to hear about another’s suffering because we don’t know how to respond to it. It could be that the emotions make us feel awkward, or that we can’t see any way to fix what happened. So, we ignore, minimise, or dismiss the injustice to reduce our sense of responsibility in it.
Over time, these messages can become internalised so that people who have suffered begin to question their own reactions, minimise what happened, or silence and invalidate themselves before others do.
Becoming aware of these patterns gives us the opportunity to respond to people’s hurt with greater intention, courage, and care. And when we do that, we create the conditions for people to feel truly seen, steadied, and less alone in their pain.