Validation & The Justice Need (5)
Self-Validation
One of the hardest realities we can face in life is that we may never receive the justice we desire. Even if others validate our pain, the person who caused it may never understand, apologise, or make up for it. Even when the harm is to a criminal degree, they still may not face the charge, trial, or sentence we hoped for. Justice from people and systems is not guaranteed.
When it doesn’t arrive, the harm can feel unfinished and suspended in a kind of moral limbo. It can leave us without the recognition, repair, or reassurance we crave, which can then be like a tormenting thorn that refuses to be dislodged. This reiterates our need for others to recognise injustice and support us. Healing almost always happens in the context of relationships.
However, it also requires self-validation, which begins by carefully opening the drawers of any emotions we may have locked away.
Unaddressed emotions never disappear; they are simply deferred and, in the meantime, manifest elsewhere (such as in our physical health, or by way of self-medicating habits). To enter into the enjoyable life we deserve and develop meaningful relationships, we need to work through them.
Some may worry that spending time on this is selfish. It isn’t. It’s a mature and necessary step in taking responsibility for the wound and the impact it has not only on us, but on those around us. This process can be messy and uncomfortable. Healing requires immense courage, but the reward is always worth it.
Trauma is, first and foremost, unprocessed grief. The loss is of safety, trust, and love. An important part of recovery involves returning to painful memories and letting ourselves name and feel the emotions attached to them for the first time. While validation from others can give us clarity and courage, to truly overcome the grief and lessen the pain of trauma, we must also validate our own experiences and emotions:
That made me so angry.
I was so hurt by that.
What they did to me was not okay.
The emotions may feel strong and overwhelming at first. We may need to revisit them more than once. Intentionally experiencing them may even feel oddly disloyal to the person who caused harm. That’s because people are complex: someone who caused us harm may also have done many wonderful things for us. It’s important to know we can acknowledge one truth without invalidating the other.
Emotions are not to be feared. As they are named, experienced, and given space to breathe, they begin to transform from an angry wind to a soft breeze and finally to stillness. Suddenly, you realise you can think of the memory again without the same pain.
But there is another step we must take alongside this. For many, closure without justice ultimately raises a deeper and more confronting point.
Forgiveness.
And that deserves its own careful consideration.